After a few turbulent years, I have finally landed in a place where things seemed to be going my way.
Yet I noticed I just couldn’t relax into the happy feeling as much as I should have. I wasn’t depressed. I was simply conditioned to want more, to need more, to wait for more. Because, in the United States, that’s how we roll.
But having returned from a year in Denmark, I knew there was a better way.
Watching my daughter growing up fast, I realized now was the time to stop and take a look at what life was all about.
I did, and I was able to pinpoint three things that seemed to affect my levels of well-being the most. But because none of these are promoted in the U.S., I have to make an extra effort to implement them.
I still struggle, but at least I know where I go wrong when I do.
So here are just a few simple things that, in my opinion, can lead to a happier life.
Appreciate what you have when you have it
An old (literally, at 78) friend of mine passed away last year. A few months before that, during his battle with cancer, he told me he’d give anything to be young and able again.
Without any disrespect, he pointed out that we young people spent too much time worrying and not enough time enjoying what we have. He was right.
I often look back at my 20s, thinking how great it would be to be that young (and stupid) again. If only I knew that in my 20s when I was all so consumed by the drama that comes with being in your 20s.
But there is a cure for wishing to be young, fit, childless, or with a full head of hair again: it’s to proactively appreciate what you have right now.
Because I guarantee you, whatever it is, one day you’ll look back and wish you were today’s person again.
I know for sure that when my daughter is a teenager, I will cry for her innocent younger days. My solution is to appreciate every moment we have together now as much as I can.
You can never have it all, but whatever you have might be enough for today.
These days, I often think of myself as an old lady with arthritis looking back at this precise moment I’m living now. In those moments, I’m blown away by my riches.
Forget everything you think you don’t have. Everything that social media and TV channels tell you you don’t have.
Because I know for a fact you have a lot of what matters: there are people who love you, things your body is still capable of doing, art you’re still capable of enjoying, views to be seen, air to be breathed, kind words to be sad.
Stay in the moment
I didn’t realize how little I was capable of being in the moment until I had a baby. Her growing up so fast inspired me to be more present.
Small children live in the moment. And what happy moments they are! My two-year-old wakes up with a smile. She laughs every time she sees her dad, her step-sisters, or our dogs (especially the dogs). She overcomes her misfortunes quickly and goes back to being happy.
I noticed I was the happiest when I lived in the moment with her. You would think it’s the simplest of things, but it turned out to be difficult to achieve.
I went to sleep every night telling myself tomorrow I would do things differently. I wouldn’t be distracted by emails, chores, to-do lists, Medium stats, or the latest TV show. Yet every day I slipped and spent my daughter’s precious waking moments consumed by thoughts about a Target trip, my bank account, or dreams of living in Europe again when my happiness was right in front of me.
I know I’m not alone in this. Most of us spend our entire lives in our heads. But when we do manage to freeze the moment, we’re amazed at how much is here in front of us: the trees, the blue sky, the smiles of strangers, our amazing bodies, our beautiful minds, and above all, the people we love.
For the five seconds that I’m aware of all this beauty, I am the happiest person alive.
So I’ve been training my brain to stay present in a way an athlete trains his body, slowly but never missing a bit, and the results are the most rewarding.
My daughter was my inspiration. You have yours. Whatever it is that makes you want to freeze the moment is worth giving it your all.
Surround yourself with people
I have a love-hate relationship with people. If you asked me a year ago, I would have told you that to be happy I needed to be alone (alone with my family that is). Yet over the last year, I realized that not only people shouldn’t be avoided, but they are indeed a major building block to our happiness.
Human relationships are incredibly complex. No wonder some people choose to engage in as few of them as possible. Yet study after study shows that one of the most important measures of happiness is the ability to build lasting and fulfilling relationships with other individuals.
After burning through friendships for a decade, I finally realized that I needed to start investing in others, instead of taking them for granted. And once I started doing that, I discovered how joyful it was to have an ongoing relationship with a friend that was built on mutual respect, mutual effort, and genuine need for one another.
Sure, other people can break us. But they can also make the joyous moments that much better and more memorable.
Happiness or sorrow shared with others becomes amplified. It makes the life worth living.
We’re social animals after all.
We are at our happiest when we gain and maintain fulfilling relationships. Getting there is a whole other story.
I only wish someone taught me about these things when I was a kid, so I wouldn’t have to try so hard to implement them as an adult.
Such lovely insights here! I’m certainly trying to be more present in my every day, and your words really resonated with me.
Best of luck to all of us as we try to better realize, appreciate, and live within all that we have!
My mother was an avid collector of things made by "Pennsylvania Dutch" people, most of whom are actually Amish, with large populations in Indiana, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. One such item in her kitchen as a trivet for holding hot pots. It read "We get too soon old, and too late smart."